Satire

Study: Jean Jackets Up 68% During Trump Presidency

WASHINGTON, DC — With President-elect Joe Biden’s inauguration less than one month away, final facts and figures from Donald Trump’s presidency have come pouring in from research centers and media outlets across the nation.

One surprising study from the Fashion And Statistical Center for Interdisciplinary Studies and Technology (FASCIST) showed a massive 68% increase in jean jackets over the last four years, a figure they say indicates overall economic growth and emerging fashion trends. 

“Economists have long known that jean jacket numbers are directly correlated to a nation’s economic wellbeing. During every economic recession, corduroy- and cotton-based jacketwear numbers rose dramatically while jean jacket numbers dipped,” said Garrison Whitely, director of media and marketing for FASCIST. “Based on these numbers, we can safely say Trump’s time in office was largely successful.”  

Whitely believes Trump’s work in the jean jacket sector will have a lasting positive impact unparalleled by past presidents. 

“It’s a legacy, a gift even,” said Whitely. “Have you ever seen the ‘cool’ and ‘hip’ Barack Obama wear a jean jacket? I don’t think so. Yet Trump loves them. So what does that tell you?”

With upper body denim rates still skyrocketing, Whitely believes Biden will benefit from Trump’s work, at least for the first six months to a year. 

“Does Biden understand the full impact of jean jackets, visually, metaphorically, and fiscally speaking? Only time will tell, but if I were him, I’d invest heavily in denim,” said Whitely.

A spokesperson for Levi’s was unavailable for comment.  

Reporter Greg Lovell contributed to this article.

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