HOLMEN, WIS — A Holmen dad has constructed the world’s hairiest LEGO castle this past weekend using only random pieces he found sucked up into his vacuum and wrapped in hair.  

When Swivel Leggyleg’s two sons, Spiffy and Donk, asked for LEGOs for Christmas again, he was apprehensive. Every year the boys request the overpriced plastic color blocks, and every year he obliges. Unfortunately Leggyleg knows that once January rolls around, the LEGOs will quickly turn into neglected landmines scattered throughout his house in unsuspecting places. 

“It pisses me off on several levels,” Leggyleg explained, “First, I’m pissed because I paid a lot of money for those pieces of shit, then I’m pissed because the boys are done playing with them within 10 days of Christmas. Finally, I get the most pissed when instead of cleaning them up, they just leave them lying around everywhere where I either step on them or suck them up in the vacuum.”

Leggyleg then described the sound of a LEGO being sucked up and clanking within the vacuum’s insides like it has indigestion. 

Luckily, Leggyleg decided 2021 was going to be a year of optimism and positivity since 2020 was so full of warm rhinoceros piss. So instead of throwing all those extra LEGO pieces away, Leggyleg quite literally took matters into his own hands. 

“I decided that since I paid for them, I was going to play with them and show those little shits how fun LEGOs are supposed to be.”

That’s when Leggyleg started collecting the LEGO pieces he sucked up with a vacuum, found on the floor, or discovered in the sofa cushions. After only four days of collecting, he then built the LEGO sculpture without the assistance of any directions. To add satisfaction to his creation, Leggyleg embraced the hair that came along with each piece. 

“That’s what LEGOs are supposed to do; spark your imagination,” Leggyleg continued, “I just worked the hair right into the project and pretended it was dragon-repelling hair.”

Leggyleg then christened the building “Castle 70s Bush,” because though the hair is a combination of cat and human, they combine to resemble pubic hair. 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong and his assisant Krotch Zander (pornography historian) contributed to this article.