Satire

BREAKING: The Table Leg You Stubbed Your Toe On Was Actually ANTIFA In Disguise

LA CROSSE, WIS — Multiple reports now confirm that the leg of your kitchen table that you accidentally rammed your foot into while fumbling about in the dark was not due to your incompetence or lack of foresight to just turn a light on, but was in fact ANTIFA in disguise.

Officials were initially skeptical, but after 2 hours of YouTube “reserch!” law enforcement officers were convinced that the table leg made of solid 5 inch pine was actually a clever disguise used by anti-fascist agitators for the purpose of making real patriots look stupid.

“Once we saw all the evidence out there, there was really only one conclusion to draw,” La Crosse PD Officer Karpets Tugo said. “The whole ‘accident in the dark’ theory doesn’t really hold much weight. It’s clearly a conspiracy.”

This is just one addition to a slew of hidden ANTIFA attacks. For example, the hot coffee that burned your tongue? ANTIFA. The barking dog that surprised you so much you peed just a little? ANTIFA. Your slight disappointment in the new Wonder Woman movie? ANTIFA. The traffic light you got stuck at? Yes, you guessed it… ANTIFA.

With all of these threats, police want you to remain vigilant. Anytime there’s something that happens that seems to be the fault of total incompetence or downright lunacy, chances are it’s not actually that. It’s actually ANTIFA, and it’s recommended that you focus all of your blame on that so you can feel better about yourself, in lieu of facing who you really are and where your beliefs have led.

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire