Satire

U-Haul Wondering If You’d Be Able to Help Them With Something For a Few Hours Next Saturday

LA CROSSE, WI — U-Haul recently confirmed that they have bought the old K-Mart building in La Crosse, and will be turning the former department store into a temporary retail showroom. Before opening the store, U-Haul will need to do something they’re uniquely suited for, moving.

“We’re getting everything together to transition into the new location, but we are running into a bit of a problem with getting enough people power,” said Dan Teldam, the franchise owner for U-Haul in La Crosse. “So, if you’re not busy next Saturday, we could really use some help.”

“It shouldn’t be too bad,” Dan continued, telling the same lies we’ve all heard from anyone who has ever asked for help moving. “My dad is letting us use his pickup and trailer, and most of the big stuff should already be taken care of, so it’ll just be the leftovers.”

Dan isn’t expecting the move to take long, but no one is buying that line of B.S. “We’ll probably be done by early afternoon, then I’ll set the grill up and treat the crew to burgers and hot dogs. Maybe even get a few games of cornhole going. It’ll be fun. I’ve got my old boombox and found some CDs so we can jam out to some tunes while we work.”

When pressed, Dan revealed that the CDs in question were the Digimon: The Movie Soundtrack and The Best of REO Speedwagon’s Greatest Hits, which, as the title suggests, is only the best of the best of their greatest hits.

“It’s actually just ‘Can’t Fight this Feeling’ 13 times,” Dan explained.

Teldam had one final request. “If you’ve got any boxes you’re not using bring those too.” He then burst out laughing, “Nah, I’m just joshing. Most of what we’re moving will be boxes, but they’ll be flattened down. Can you imagine opening up a moving box and inside is another, smaller box? I might as well ask you to bubble wrap the bubble wrap.”

The move is expected to start at 10:30 AM and go until 3 PM, but expect to be there until 8.

Reporter DJ Bigalke contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire