Satire

“Sexy La Crosse Mayoral Candidates With Puppies Calendars” For Sale

Driftless Arts Festival

LA CROSSE, WIS — As a show of unity and collective love for the city, the La Crosse mayoral candidates have collaborated to create a calendar with each month displaying a different candidate in a seductive pose while holding a puppy. 

The decision to create the calendar came shortly after the January 6th terroristic assault on the nation’s capital created unrest amongst the Coulee Region, particularly a distrust for anyone seeking political office. To stifle the growing animosity, the candidates collaborated to create this calendar with all proceeds going toward local charities. 

“When I was approached to do the project I was… skeptical,” explained photographer Shabadoo Clickityclick, “but when I found out that it would both help people relax and support local charities, it was impossible for me to say no.”

Clickityclick described the shoots as “mostly uncomfortable and awkward” citing that none of the candidates has any experience modeling, few had any experience smiling, and none had any experience being sexy. 

“That is where I got the idea to add puppies in the shoot,” Clickityclick continued, “anything to steer attention away from what’s happening in the pictures.”

The only candidate not represented in the calendar is 18-year-old Sam Schneider because Clickyclick was “not sure if taking sexy pics of him was legal.” 

The calendar has not come without some controversy as Martin Gaul was chosen to be on the cover in what some believe gives him an unfair press advantage over the others. This was something Clickityclick was well aware of and drove her decision to choose a cover model. 

“I just picked the picture that was the least embarrassing,” Clickityclick explained, “Gaul’s confident look was at least in the ballpark of how sexy calendar models pose.”

The calendar months are as follows: 

January – Jessica Olson

February – Chris Stolpa

March – Mitch Reynolds

April – Vicki Markussen 

May – Martin Gaul

June – Greg Saliaras 

July – Zebulon Kemp

August – Katherine Blanchard

September – Joe Konradt

October – Martil Gaul’s mustache

November – A Cool Duck

December – Blue Baby

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire