Satire

Young Mayoral Candidate’s Flyer Destroyed by His High School English Teacher

Driftless Arts Festival

LA CROSSE, WIS — Eighteen-year-old La Crosse mayoral candidate Sam Schneider’s campaign got off to a rocky start this week with his first political flyer being absolutely destroyed and returned to him by his high school English teacher requesting he see her after class.

The flyer, which was left at several homes around the La Crosse area, was littered with haphazard cliches, recycled talking points, and nauseating platitudes. Unfortunately for Schneider, one of the homes at which a flyer was left happened to be his high school english teacher Mrs. Edina Hangnail. 

“You call this a flyer, Samuel? The only place this should fly is straight into the garbage, young man!” Hangnail scolded the teary-eyed teenager, “It looks like it was written by an emulous child. Oh wait…”  

Hangnail then handed Schneider a dictionary and made him look up the definition of “emulous,” and read it aloud to her as tears dripped onto the page. 

“Were you drunk as you wrote this? I kinda hope you were because you are vying to be the mayor of a city that leads the world in drinking while you, yourself cannot drink.” 

The flyer contained 36 grammatical and convention errors and qualified for what teachers refer to as a “blood bath” after being covered with what appeared to be the ink from an entire red pen. 

“Your presentation somehow made it worse,” Hangnail continued, “Your font size was all over the place. Your alignment and spacing gives me a headache. And why did you make everything bold-faced? Were you screaming this as you wrote it? Be honest, you wrote this on the bus on your way to school didn’t you?”

Hangnail continued to lay into Schneider for another five minutes over his poor effort before assigning him a working-lunch to redo the flyer.

Schneider refused to comment as he had his hoodie pulled over his head and the string drawn tightly to conceal his face.  

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire