Satire

OPINION: Repainting This Kid’s Room is Gonna Suck, Let’s Just Have One Instead

ONALASKA, WIS — Moving into a new house is an exciting but also nightmarish time filled with a mountain of work. So let’s not make more work than we have to, yeah?

After moving several metric fuck-tons of furniture, kitchen supplies and books we swear we’re going to read one day, after spending the better part of a week cleaning up a house I can only assume was owned and taken care of by a six year old giant anthropomorphic bag of sticky Corn Nuts left out in the hot sun, now we also have to put normal human being looking color onto the drywall? Ugh.

Look at this purple ass room. Did you know bold and darker colors will need multiple coats, including the primer, and even after all that, it still might bleed through? Do you really want to deal with that? You know what seems like it would be easier than changing a hideous and difficult color to match our taste? Making a human being that will like it.

Seriously. I know raising a child is a bunch of work or whatever, but think of how good it will feel to tell people that no, that’s not our taste, that’s our kid’s room. They’ll be like, oh I get it! Children suck at interior design choices because all they know is cartoons! They’ll walk away thinking we’re great parents for “letting their kid choose their room color” and we’ll walk away never having to go through the nightmare of painting that entire room to a normal human color.

It may seem like a permanent solution to a short term problem, but ask anyone who’s just moved into a new house whether they would like to also do a major painting project, or just bank on a future kid liking that room. Pretty sure they will be so exhausted, they’ll be confused as to why you even asked.

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire