Satire

Braveheart Sequel Panned by Critics: “Nothing Brave or Heart About This”

WASHINGTON, DC — The Republican-written Braveheart sequel crashed and burned last week after it received scathing review for being the poorly written, 100% improvised and disorganized, and incredibly stupid. 

For many years now the Republican party has been laying the foundation for the American-based sequel that was thrust upon the world on Wednesday, January 6th. In the original movie starring the Republican-beloved unstably racist and sexist Mel Gibson, William Wallace is the medieval Scottish patriot who is spurred into revolt against the English when the love of his life is slaughtered. Leading his army into battles that become a war, his advance into England threatens King Edward I’s throne before he is captured and executed, but not before becoming a symbol for a free Scotland.

Unlike the classic 1995 movie, from the opening scene to the end credits, the movie is an epic failure to launch with mostly entitled white people just breaking expensive things. 

“Let me save you from wasting a couple hours of your life. A bunch of morons in red hats smashed windows and ran amok in the capitol,” summarized movie critic Trey Ballsey, “In the process they killed four of their own people, and then they left and changed nothing. The End.” 

Ballsy described the movie as if “Michael Bay were to direct a movie with no script or budget and cast drunk people he found at a Rod & Gun club.”

Not only was the movie short, boring, and pointless, it was completely devoid of any sort of structure of leadership as if thousands of children on a playground were given caffeine pills and hammers.

“What the hell were these people doing? I mean, did these people think that taking over a building makes them the government now?” Ballsy continued, “This made Freddy Got Fingered look like The Godfather.”

Reporter Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire