Satire

Rivoli Ghosts Excited to Finally Start Haunting Movie-Goers Again

LA CROSSE, WIS — With the news that the Rivoli will reopen Friday, the apparitions haunting the historic theater are excited to finally have something to do.

“I’ve just been kind of floating around for months now,” former Rivoli employee and terrifying wraith Tarrence Jackson said. “You know, you can only appreciate the architecture for so long before you get bored out of your what-used-to-be-a-skull.”

Jackson died being beaten to death after asking a patron to wear a mask during the Spanish Flu pandemic of 1918.

“Yeah, not much has changed in 100 years,” he said.

Most of the Rivoli specters – of which there are roughly 26 – have spent the previous few months planning new ways to disturb, unsettle, and outright frighten the feces right out of patrons looking to catch a 9:00pm showing of Tenet and fall asleep at the back of the theater after their fifth beer in a plastic cup.

“I used to just kind of make weird noises that could be confused for sounds that this old building makes,” Jackson wailed, “but after months with my own thoughts, I’ve got some new ideas I want to try. I’d really love to pull off a demonic possession or drop a chandelier inches from just as they take a mouthful of candy they sneaked into the theater.”

The reopening is being described by the phantoms as a spiritual shot in the arm that has boosted morale significantly.

“I can’t wait,” Jackson shrieked. “Friday is going to be the most fun day of my life— well… you know what I mean.”

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire