Satire

Kwik Trip Voted Best Place to Gain 26 Pounds in 2021

LA CROSSE, WIS — On the heels of the news that Glassdoor ranked Kwik Trip one of the best places to work, another website, Stretchpants, has ranked the convenience store the number one place to absolutely wreck your diet and gain a full-sized toddler’s amount of weight in 2021.

“We are so honored to have received both of these awards,” spokesperson Spicy Nuggvelvet said. “To get praise for our work conditions and for how much damage our tasty delights can do to your New Year’s resolution is just more than we could hope for. From the bottom of our cholesterol-filled hearts, thank you.”

Kwik Trip only recently added to their already considerable offerings of addictive food choices, including making their own version of fried chicken.

“We offer mostly thighs in those chicken meals, because that’s eventually where that will end up on you,” Nuggvelvet added. “Seemed only appropriate.”

With the addition of take home meals, Kwik Trip is hoping to eventually be seen as the best place making people gain weight outside of their stores as well.

“If we can destroy – just absolutely rip to shreds – a pair of khakis every day, we’ll know we’re on the right track,” Nuggvelvet said. “We’re going to be the fattest happiest place on earth, so help me God.”

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire