Satire

Hot Pockets Recalled After Pieces of Edible Food Found Inside

MOUNT STERLING, KY — Nestlé Prepared Foods is recalling 762,615 pounds of Pepperoni Hot Pockets after pieces of actual edible food have been found inside. 

The frozen, should-not-be-eaten-but-we-do-anyway products were shipped nationwide in November 2020 with the product being recalled because of potential contamination with “extraneous materials, specifically pieces of vegetable and actual meat.”

“One of our factory employees was eating a sandwich while tending to one of our slime vats when the sandwich slipped out of his hand and contaminated the meat sludge,” Hot Pocket spokesman Jiminy Gutrot explained. “The sandwich contained several pieces of edible food including whole wheat bread, locally sourced organic gouda cheese, home-grown lettuce, and free-range chicken.”

The contamination was noticed after several Hot Pockets consumers took a bite of their “food” when they recognized the unfamiliar taste of freshness. 

“It was disgusting!” explained Shorsey Hedgehog, one of the consumers who filed a complaint with the company, “I expected the warm, melty tastes of glass and hard plastic and instead got this shit packed with essential vitamins and minerals. I threw it out immediately.”

This recall comes in the wake of Nestlé Prepared Foods having to recall 92,206 pounds of Lean Cuisine Baked Chicken entrees due to possible contamination with “extraneous materials, specifically pieces of chicken.”

“The quality, safety and integrity of Nestlé USA and Hot Pockets products remain our number one priority,” Nestlé said in a press release. “We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this action represents to both our consumers and retail customers.”

Comedian Jim Gaffigan could not be reached for comment either in his normal voice or in his high, whispery sassy audience member voice. 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire