Satire

Signs Clarifying New Hate Groups Just for Virgins Deemed “Redundant”

LA CROSSE, WIS — Newly discovered signs on Viterbo’s campus are clarifying that two new hate groups, the Sons of the Immaculate Virgin and the Catholic Maccabees, are only for male members who are not having sex – information most students are saying was already widely known.

“No shit, they’re all virgins,” freshman Viterbo student Talen McAffee said. “Literally none of those bigoted jackasses needed to explain that, we get it.”

The signs also focus the majority of their message against LGBTQ support, perceived liberal politics, pandemic-related public safety measures, and “other things”.

“All of those are pretty standard talking points for men who are not having any sex, whether by choice or not,” student services director Chilly Boofington said. “I’m curious what ‘other things’ means, but I’m also afraid and pretty sure that it involves pointy white hats.”

Officials at Viterbo say that interest in either group is not very high.

“We’re pretty sure the Catholic Maccabees are looking for their second member,” Boofington said. “There was one student who said he might attend a meeting, but only to see what kind of free snacks they provide.”

Should any of these students become dangerous, the university is already in talks with the diocese to quietly shuffle said students to a brand new school away from scrutiny.

“It’s called the ‘Priest Protocol’,” Boofington added, “Pretty standard catholic practice, really.”

Pressed for comment, the Virgin Mary herself decided to distance herself from the Viterbo student groups in a statement released Monday.

“Hey, don’t lump me in with those losers!” the holy mother’s statement read. “I may be a virgin, but I’m not that virgin-y.”

School officials say the signs themselves may be repurposed as “Mike Pence 2024” campaign materials in the future.

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire