Satire

Holy Fuck! A Fucking Hot Dog Car! Fuck!

LA CROSSE, WIS — Oh my Jesus H. Whinnying Horse-Fucking Christ, there is a god damned Oscar Meyer Weinermobile in the parking lot of the motherfucking hotel downtown, holy fuck!

It’s there! It’s really fucking there, OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS, IT’S THE DAMN HOT DOG CAR, WHY AREN’T YOU ALL LOSING YOUR MIND OVER THIS LIKE WE ARE!?!? A car – in the shape of the innocuous and unhealthy processed slime tubes from our youth – IS IN. THE CITY. RIGHT GODDAMN NOW! Does your bologna have a first name? ‘Cuz right now, ours is b-o-n-e-r!

Is this technically newsworthy? No. Is this really just a decades old and tired marketing gimmick? No question! But, are we tired of reporting on COVID-19, political strife, and a billion goddamn morons thinking they can be the fucking mayor because they have a registered LLC? You bet your fucking slime filled salty meat tubes, we are!

So stop what you are doing right now! Put down the cooking utensils! Set aside your homework! Stop wasting time connecting with your family and get down to this American treasure. See it! Go, “oh, wow… there it is, I guess!” Get your free-ass plastic marketing trinkets that will end up in the river or a landfill for all eternity and then leave kind of disappointed! Do it! IT DOESN’T COME HERE ALL THE TIME! ONLY SOMETIMES! ONLY. SOME.

Do it, La Crosse. Make our day and go see this fucking thing. If there’s anything that will make our 13 dollar an hour (at the high end) jobs worth it, it’ll be you, taking a break from a world of pure nonsense and touring a giant hot dog on wheels because we spent the time and energy to show it to you.

Local Media In General contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire