Satire

Mike Lindell Unveils New Line of Tactical Assault Pillows for Domestic Terrorists

CHANHASSEN, MN — The CEO of MyPillow has released a new line of pillows specifically designed for domestic terrorists looking to overthrow a government, or to up their pillow fight game at their next MAGA slumber party in the US Capitol.

CEO Mike Lindell and the new Tactical Assault MyPillow

The new Tactical Assault MyPillow is an open-cell, polyfoam cushion with a 100% Kevlar cover and six different types of deadly weapons. 

“This patent-pending design is tailor made for the domestic terrorist who wants deadly weapons for committing treason, but also wants a comfy way to have a wittle nappy-poo when they run out of steam,” CEO Mike Lindell said, shortly after furiously scrawling “martial law” into his desk with a Bowie knife.

The pillow features a rocket-powered grenade launcher, two easily reachable knives, five hand grenades, a flamethrower that is operated by squeezing the pillow, and a very supportive cushion that never goes flat.

“Each Tactical MyPillow also includes a thin blue line punisher logo so everyone knows you are a bad ass and also that you’ve never read a Punisher comic,” Lindell added.

The pillows are set to go on sale as soon as any distribution company or retailer agrees to work with Lindell again, which could be never.

Reporters Sam Shilts and Dr. Jonathon H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire