Satire

FBI Needs Your Help Identifying This Seditious Asscrack

WASHINGTON, DC — The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) is seeking information that will assist in identifying the gross, seditious asscrack pictured as it was actively instigating violence in Washington, DC on January 6th, 2021. 

According to Capitol Police Chief Robert Dinkdonk, the hazardous faction of disgusting asscrack was photographed during the insurrection attempt, which could have caused “great harm to public safety.” 

“First of all, we are sorry if you witnessed this heinous gross asscrack. You are in our thoughts and prayers,” a despondent Dinkdonk said as he addressed the press, “But it is your civic duty to come forward and help us identify this asscrack so it does not harm any other innocent civilians.” 

Dinkdonk acknowledged the difficulty witnesses would have coming forward and reliving the experience of witnessing the asscrack and assured them complete immunity because witnessing the asscrack in person “was punishment enough.” 

Identifying characteristics of the asscrack are still being deciphered by FBI analysts, but this has proved to be a daunting task as they continuously vomit and/or pass out after more than forty-five seconds of continued exposure to the gross asscrack. One analyst described the asscrack as if “somebody froze cottage cheese to their ass.” 

“Help us bring this seditious asscrack to justice!” 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire