Satire

Tom Brady Eats One Wisconsin Cheese Curd, Transforms into Cenobite “Butterball”

GREEN BAY, WIS — Upon arrival to Green Bay in preparation for the NFC Championship game against the Green Bay Packers, Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady ate a single Wisconsin cheese curd and immediately transformed into the extra-dimentional mutilated Cenobite “Butterball.” 

With six Super Bowl wins under his belt, there is no doubt that Brady has been doing something right in terms of his health and nutrition. The proof lies in his performance. The 43-year-old quarterback continued to defy his age by putting up another stellar season including 40 touchdowns and over 4,600 years passing. It is no surprise Brady finds himself again one game away from appearing in a mind-blowing 10th Super Bowl. 

Unfortunately the opportunity may be gone before the game even starts. 

Yesterday afternoon, Brady had a rare pre-game nutrition mishap after he consumed a single Wisconsin cheese curd following a press conference. Only moments after Brady swallowed the deep fried ball of saturated fat, the legendary NFL player transformed into the Butterball, the Cenobite from the cult classic horror movie Hellraiser.  

“It was just too much ‘unhealthy’ for Tom’s perfectly chiseled body to take,” explained Brady’s nutritionist Leafy VonKale, “He literally has not had a bite of tasty food in nearly 23 years. Cheese curds are like his kryptonite.”

It is believed that upon consumption, Leviathan, the god of cheese curd Hell, deemed Brady worthy of being his soldier and spending eternity in Hell’s prison. 

“The trainers are working on Brady as we speak,” explained Tampa Bay coach Bruce Arians, “They have him hitting the gym hard and are shoving as much nutritious food down his throat. So far we haven’t seen a change in his appearance. He has also murdered fifteen training staff. Luckily for us, most of them were unpaid interns, but we are running out quickly.” 

Despite Brady’s sudden transformation and thirst for inflicting tortuous pain, Arians still plans for Brady to play in the NFC championship game. 

“His being a cenobite might affect his ability to move in the pocket, but I have a feeling being a murderous inhuman creature from hell will deter the defense from wanting to put pressure on him for fear of a gruesome death,” Arians continued, “We plan to use that to our advantage.” 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

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