Satire

On a Scale of 1 to “U-Haul in the Old K-Mart”, How Disappointing Was Your Last Decision?

LA CROSSE, WIS — Listen folks, buyer’s and seller’s remorse is a very real thing. From the very innocuous things like buying a new item of clothing that doesn’t quite fit, all the way to the more serious like turning an empty space highly anticipated for its potential in a community into a goddamn indoor storage garage, we’ve all made financial choices we later regret. See where your last choice fits in our scale:

1-3

This probably isn’t a big deal. A new snack you wanted to try, a streaming movie rental you didn’t end up enjoying… maybe you ended up donating an item you now miss having but can get along fine without. These are the most common and typically you’re only out $20 dollars or so.

4-7

This one may have broken your bank a little bit more, but it’s still manageable. These could very well be hobby purchases. Maybe you thought you would really love to become a home brewer and got all the equipment before realizing you had neither the time nor resources. Maybe that fancy new power tool you got for one particular project you now realize is going to sit and collect dust in your garage most of the time. Or, perhaps you decided to get rid of that old bicycle you didn’t use as much only to find yourself pining for a ride. You may have spent more money, but your forethought you bring to your next purchase – or sale – will be all the better.

8-9

These are those “keep the receipts!” purchases. No one wants to get stuck with a big appliance that never works right or expensive entertainment equipment seldom used. Chances are, if you’ve made one of these purchases and regretted it, you may still be trying to recover! Very disappointing, indeed.

We put a fucking U-Haul Self Storage in the old K-Mart

Yikes! This is one that could likely follow you for decades. This is one that will make people say, “What, was an idea for a shady laundromat already taken? What about one of those pay-to-park parking lots like in the movies where a bunch of kidnapping and drug trafficking happens? Or better yet, what about just building a giant middle finger sculpture out of refuse from Isle La Plume?” Sure, this may solve the ever present issue of “Storage Garage Deserts” in one area of La Crosse, but now you’ll be haunted by questions of “Hey, what if we had chosen to put literally anything else in that building instead?” for the rest of your days. This one, unlike a lot of financial transactions, can’t be undone with a receipt. It’s a uniquely wasted opportunity that – just like herpes – will stay with you for the rest of your life. 

Where did your last decision fall? Were you a 6 and bought an Instant Pot with a built-in air fryer that you never use? Or after literal years of time to work with, did you decide to shove a U-Haul Self Storage into the former K-Mart location, bringing on a truly “Game of Thrones Season 8” level of disappointment to thousands of people? 

The thing to remember is this: Everyone has made a bad choice now and then. What’s important is that we learn from it, and don’t go on to put a car dealership in one of the old Shopko’s.

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire