Satire

Wisconsin Republicans Set to Vote on Repealing the Ozone Layer Too

MADISON, WIS — The GOP controlled state senate will vote soon on whether to repeal the layer of atmosphere protecting life on earth from direct radiation from the sun and widespread death in a matter of days.

The legislation would be one of the first pieces passed since April of 2020 in the state of Wisconsin, and the very first piece of legislation attempting to remove an utterly necessary planetary safety net allowing life to exist.

“We are merely doing this because the atmosphere shouldn’t be able to act unilaterally and prevent UV rays from directly hitting the earth,” said the bill’s sponsor Steve Nass of Whitewater. “The earth deserves the choice of whether to be protected from almost certain death and the collapse of the food chain.”

A recently released Marquette Law School poll showed that the Ozone Layer is currently very popular among registered voters, with 99.99% in favor of not dying from skin cancer and famine.

Still, a growing number of republicans have co-sponsored the joint resolution, which if passed by both houses, would not be subject to the governor’s veto pen like a regular bill.

“Hah! Take that, Evers!” state senator Julian Bradley of Franklin said shortly after pouring a bucket of live coronavirus into an industrial strength diffuser at a Chili’s. “Try and stop us from indirectly murdering people NOW! I think you’ll find that very difficult now that you won’t have your precious mask mandate or atmospheric layer of protection from the sun’s deadly radiation!”

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

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