Satire

GOP to Test “Starve a Fever” on COVID-19 by Removing $50 Million in Food Assistance

MADISON, WIS — According to a new report from the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, the Wisconsin GOP’s plan to end the state’s emergency health order would have potentially disastrous impacts on nearly 243,000 households. In addition to removing the mask mandate, ending the emergency order would also remove nearly $50 million in additional support to Wisconsin’s Foodshare program. 

According to Assembly Speaker Robin Vos though, this is all part of the plan. 

“How’s the saying go? Starve a fever?” Vos said. “Well… COVID’s got that, right?”

Even though the adage “starve a fever, feed a cold” has been thoroughly disproven by such luminaries such as “all of science” and “basic common sense”, Speaker Vos continued:

“We’ve tried everything from not wearing masks all the way to barely administering vaccines, and we’re out of options. This is our last viable solution.”

The speaker went on to summarize other options the state had considered, which included attempts to balance citizen’s humors via bloodletting (“needles are too expensive”) as well as identifying and removing unclean miasmas from the air (“don’t want to get the DNR’s hopes up”).

“Plus,” Vos concluded, “If starving doesn’t cure people’s COVID, well… the problem will take care of itself, won’t it?”

Reporter Lincoln Freimund contributed to this article.

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