Satire

City MTU Opens Online Sales of 2021 Struggle Bus Passes

LA CROSSE, WIS — La Crosse Municipal Transit officials have announced, albeit a little late, that yearly passes for the 2021 struggle bus are now available for purchase online. Residents may purchase individual or family passes that are good for one year up to January 1st, 2022. Those who inadvertently ride the struggle bus will be charged the standard transit fee in addition to miscellaneous self-inflicted costs and the bad luck tax. 

Routes for the 2021 struggle bus will be posted when they feel like it. In addition, residents are advised to arrive 15-45 minutes before or after their scheduled departure time because the driver typically forgets which stops to make and has to circle back.

Johnny Griffen, La Crosse MTU Lead Struggler, is excited about the new changes in store for the 2021 struggle bus. He said the struggle bus is uniquely equipped for those utterly behind the eight-ball at every turn.

“We kept the modern struggler in mind with this bus,” said Griffen. “It features a grab-and-go breakfast bar full of unhealthy choices, a coffee bar with cups that have ill-fitting lids conducive to spilling, and dozens of USB cords with a charging station because these riders obviously forgot to charge their devices the night before. And all of this comes wrapped in a judgment-free zone populated by fellow distraught and disorganized folks grappling with simple responsibility.”

Residents struggling to even find the struggle bus are encouraged to contact the La Crosse MTU directly.

Reporter Greg Lovell contributed to this article.

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