Satire

GameStop Stocks Explained by Someone Who Has No Idea What the Fuck is Going On

WALL STREET, USA — For those of you who are showing off your armchair knowledge of Wall Street stuff and shared internet memes about what is going on with the GameStop stocks, allow me, someone who has no fucking clue what is going on or how stocks even work, to explain to you what is really happening. 

Be mindful that not only do I not know anything about stocks or have ever engaged in the stock market, I also earned a C- in high school economics, which I am pretty sure it should have been a D, but I was really nice to my teacher, Mr. Parker. So he bumped me up to the C- so I wouldn’t have to go to summer school. 

Anyway, let’s begin. 

What is happening is that GameStop is made up of stocks. Big stocks. Little stocks. Everything in between stocks. Stocks for girls. Stocks for boys. And everything in between again because it’s 2021 and we are progressive. Those stocks have little stock nipples attached to stock tits that, when stimulated, fill up with stock juice. 

Those stock tits need to be milked regularly in order to keep a steady flow of stock juice running for rich people to feed on. They call it a “money titty martinis.”  Some stocks of other companies create a whole bunch of stock juice. Sometimes this is natural; sometimes the stocks are injected with steroids to increase flow, but it is noticeably saltier than organic stock titty juice.

What happened was the stock brokers (aka: stock juice milkers), noticed that GameStop’s stocks were creating only drops of stock juice, so they decided to send it to a “stock farm upstate,” which means they were going to kill the GameStop stocks. 

To kill a stock, they hold it underwater saying, “Shh! Shh! It will all be over soon, stock. Go towards the stock light.” Once the stock stops moving and is pronounced dead by a stock doctor or “stocktor,” it is sent to a stock meat market to be processed into stock jerky. The stock can also be boiled with vegetables to make stock soup stock, or ground into a fine powder to make stock gelatin (a delacy at country clubs). 

What has happened to GameStop’s stock, though, is that they secretly hired a spider named Reddit who spun a secret message into a spider web that said “Milk GameStop! It’s stock titty milk is the best shit, yo.” Even though it was certainly not the best shit, yo. Actually it’s known for only giving you pennies on the dollar for gently used games, which is kind of bullshit and probably why it’s stopped making so much stock juice to begin with – people didn’t like the taste. But that’s the hero of this story, so that’s who we’re following. 

When the stock executioner arrived and saw the message, he absolutely lost his shit and went to get the stock farmer who was busy trimming his beautiful hedge funds in front of his condo. The stock farmer was like “Oh my word! That stock tit is flowing with stock juice now! It wasn’t this morning. But look! Poor people are drinking it! Quick! Close it’s tit spigot! That juice is only for rich people because it is unpasteurized tit juice.”

So Robin Hood showed up and closed the tit spigot, but it was too late. The poor people got a taste of that sweet, sweet stock’s titty juice milk, and they became vampires who now need it to live. They also now have to adhere to rich person guidelines and ethics, of which there are none.   

The poor people stock titty juice vampires entered the GameStop stocks into a stock market talent show competition at the county fair where it won first prize! And this was over ALL the other bigger stocks with meatier stock titties. Poor people then hoisted the GameStop stock up on their meme shoulders and did three cheers for it and shared it like mad on Facebook. 

This caused the other stocks to become sad and make less stock juice for their billionaires, but it really doesn’t matter because billionaires will be fine because they control fucking everything anyway. 

The end. Expect this to be made into a made-for-TV movie on the History Channel before the end of the month.

Reporter and Armchair Stock Tit Juice Expert Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire