Satire

Gundersen to Lure Anti-Vaxxers into Vaccinating via Pop-Up Fireworks Tents

LA CROSSE, WIS — Gundersen Health System has released its plan for vaccinating complete and utter dipshits who have stated they will refuse to get vaccinated for COVID-19 for a variety of nonsensical reasons. The announcement comes after a PEW study in December 2020 showed that 39% of people are opposed to getting the vaccine. This would essentially make herd immunity impossible with a minimal attainment percentage being 70%. 

Since the Venn Diagram of dipshits and people refusing a vaccine has nearly eclipsed, Gundersen Health System anticipated the rampant dipshitalitude and have developed a contingency plan to encourage vaccination. 

“We knew the percentage of dipshits was high, but we were surprised it was THIS high,” explained Gundersen Health System spokesperson Givum Alivingwage, “Luckily, we were prepared for all scenarios of dipshittery.” 

Alivingwage detailed the plan by first luring in the dipshit population with several seemingly random popup fireworks tents around the city. Upon entering the test, the dipshit will see a variety of “weak-ass” fountain cones, snakes, and smoke bombs, making the dipshit disappointed. But studies show that once a dipshit enters a tent, they are not leaving empty handed.

“We know that when a dipshit takes its time to pull over and enter the fireworks test, they are bound by dipshit law to not leave that tent without at least one kickass firework that could easily kill someone in hand.”  

This disappointment will prompt the dipshit to approach the licensed nurse – disguised as a sleeveless Red Bull drinking fireworks salesman who is missing a couple fingers – and secretly inquire “you got anything that ain’t made fer pussies?”

The disguised nurse will then be prompted to say, “I have something that will blow yer mind, but it ain’t for the faint of heart.”

This ruse will amplify the dipshit’s intensity assuming the passive comment as a “challenge of manhood” and  they will now purchase whatever the disguised nurse will say with the most dangerous firework they have regardless of price. 

The disguised nurse will then check throughout the tent, and secretly pull out a locked box covered in a series of caution and biohazard stickers. After opening the box, the nurse will then put on a pair of welders gloves and remove the camouflage vaccine slowly as if it is unstable and could explode with the slightest jostling. 

The vile will be covered in a Black Cat sticker as the nurse describes the COVID-19 vaccination with a variety of dipshit enticers including “This will put hair on yer chest.” The nurse will then explain that this is the brand new “inside yer body firework, banned on every planet in the solar system except Earth.” 

The dipshit will be momentarily confused, but remember that they accepted the challenge and will comply with being injected by the “inside yer body firework.” 

After injection, the nurse will then hit a hidden button underneath the counter that suddenly activates a series of strobe lights and confetti cannons with Bruce Springsteen’s Born in the USA belted in the background. This will likely frighten the dipshit prompting the nurse to say “Nothing is going on for me. You’re the only one who can see and hear it.” 

After about 10 seconds (the approximate time of an actual fireworks display), the lights and music will stop and the dipshit will be ecstatic with excitement asking for another one. This will then prompt the nurse to tell the dipshit that the only way he can get a second dose is if stays home for two weeks to “recover” and then comes back for one more experience. 

Gundersen experts are optimistic this will create a chain reaction of dipshits posting on social media message boards to go get their “Black Cat Internal Firework Shot.” 

“If numbers are still lagging, we plan to unveil our secret weapon and bring out the spotlight to shine into the sky at night,” Alivingwage continued, “That should bring them running.”

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire