BREAKING: Weiner Curves to the Left

A DITCH, HWY — A horrific scene this morning as we have just learned that a weiner curved to the left, smashing into the meaty thigh-like embankment of a rural winter highway.

“Ketchup… ketchup everywhere!” one traumatized eyewitness described.

The world famous Oscar Meyer Weinermobile was discovered by a passing driver shortly after an apparent accident. First responders arrived on scene at approximately 7:48 am.

“Paramedics attempted to use the Tongs of Life to try and free the pulverized weiner, but they were not successful,” state trooper Terrence Multihoops said. “At that time, the five second rule had passed, and it was pronounced inedible at the scene.”

The weiner was airlifted from the scene and dropped into a nearby really big garbage can. The cause of the accident is still under investigation, though officials speculate that the weinermobile may have been distracted by a passing vaginamobile.

This is a developing story, which only means that in a day or two, we in local news will plaster the name of the victim all over social media, serving absolutely no one.

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.