Satire

Pearl Street Blaze First Time Water Has Been Served at Brothers

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LA CROSSE, WIS — A devastating fire broke out Monday morning, displacing downtown apartment residents (to whom you can donate here!) and – according to the fire department – led to the very first time water was ever served at Brothers Bar.

“Brothers was a total loss,” said La Crosse Fire Chief Ken Bernseffect. “And on top of that, there was a big fire near there that led to some water damage.”

Crews worked under brutally cold conditions into the wee hours of the morning, unleashing gallons upon gallons of water in the process trying to pacify the belligerently out-of-control fire.

“The amount of water we used was huge,” Chief Bernseffect added, “Imagine the amount it would take to sober up that dude that’s always in a t-shirt that’s two sizes too small and wearing a flat brimmed hat backwards. Now, triple that. Yeah… that’s what we in the biz call a ‘fuckton of water.’”

An investigation discovered that not only was the amount of water significant, but its presence alone on that section of Pearl Street was also a major first.

“We’ve been down here a lot, trust me,” La Crosse PD Officer Karpets Tugo said. “I can say with certainty there’s never even a drop of water anywhere near here. Jagermeister? Definitely. But no water.”

After putting out the blaze, crews were invited across the street to Yesterdaze to smash the fire truck used on Brothers into tiny bits.

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

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