GOP Relief Budget Proposal Just an Old Blockbuster Gift Card They Found Under a Couch Cushion

MADISON, WIS — Governor Evers is not the only one working on the state’s next budget, as the controlling party of the legislature has released its own plan Monday morning.

The joint resolution, authored by state senator Jergen Poorsmacker (R) – Bullyville, would replace all state funding with an expired gift card he happened to find under a couch cushion while he was trying to find the remote to turn off the super bowl at halftime when The Weeknd started performing.

“There’s probably still something on it,” Poorsmacker said. “I know there’s none around here, but last I heard there’s still one in Alaska! All you gotta do is pull yourself up by your bootstraps, get on a plane for 6 hours, get a rental car, drive to DeBarr Road, and finally get around to seeing that new movie. Go ahead, that’s on us. Who says the GOP never does anything for the people in this state?”

The senate passed the resolution the moment Poorsmacker finished explaining it, along partisan lines, to collectively give the entire state of Wisconsin one shared $5 gift card to Blockbuster Video. The resolution now heads to the assembly, however, Speaker Robin Vos hasn’t indicated whether they will take it up.

“We have our reservations at the moment,” Vos said, “For starters, we do not want to be the party of handouts. Secondly, we’ve just discovered that the Blockbuster location in Alaska is closed, and the last Blockbuster on the planet is in Bend, Oregon – which doesn’t sound nearly as cool as Alaska.”

Laramie Bamfud, a spokesperson from Governor Evers’ office dismissed the GOP’s joint resolution outright, calling it woefully inadequate.

“[The GOP] plan does not even come close to addressing the needs of Wisconsinites and is – quite frankly – completely out of touch,” Bamfud said. “Don’t they know it’s all about Redbox now?”

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire