Satire

City Council Approves Purchase of $10B La Crosse-Sized North Face Thermoball Jacket for Cold Spell

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LA CROSSE, WIS — A week-long stretch of frigid temperatures kicked off in the La Crosse area over the weekend, prompting warnings from officials and experts for people to take all necessary precautions. TheCity of La Crosse Common Council heeded the warning by purchasing a La Crosse-sized North Face Thermoball jacket to comfortably blanket the city from the dangerous cold. 

The custom-ordered city jacket will span just under 24 square miles in size, yet is still lightweight and insulated using eco-friendly 100% post-consumer recycled content that delivers a packable warmth whenever the city needs it. The council quickly approved the $10 billion price tag. 

“If we are going to spend this kind of money on a jacket for the city, then we should get something that is going to last,” explained city council member Doug Spliffy, “We need something that we are not only going to use this winter, but for several winters to come. We can’t just buy some off-brand city jacket. It’ll fall apart as soon as someone pulls on a loose string.” 

Though the city-wide jacket was unanimously approved, the council had many difficulties deciding on some of the finer points of the jacket. 

“For starters, we can’t seem to agree on a color,” Spliffy added, “Half of us want a more neutral color like black or grey, while the other half wants something loud like yellow.” 

Spliffy also discussed other coat accessories like the number of pockets or if the jacket should come with a hood or not, all of which incur an additional cost. 

Regardless of the accessories, the council plans to have the coat purchased and the city blanketed before the end of the week.

“We promise the city of La crosse will be stylishly warm very soon.”

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

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