Satire

Local Alpacas Vow to Help Bring Back Zoo at City Hall

LA CROSSE, WIS — Local fluffy long-necked goat thingies, or ‘Alpacas’ as they are commonly known, announced plans Wednesday to bring back the zoo at La Crosse’s City Hall – in particular, bringing back the boy mayor exhibit.

“I’ve never seen one up close! A boy mayor, I mean,” Puffball Spitzonkids, an alpaca, said. “Years and years ago La Crosse had them at City Hall and we all think we should bring that back!”

La Crosse’s City Hall has not had a boy mayor exhibit since before 2013, when Mayor Tim Kabat, an adult, was elected. Though many local animal residents are excited at the notion of turning city hall back into a zoo, others expressed concerns.

“I don’t think a lot of the alpacas remember or were even in the area when city hall was still a zoo,” said local muskrat Chewson Woodington. “I do. And I think it might be good to remind people that it took a lot of effort and upkeep during that time on the part of the handlers. Plus every time you’d go, it seemed like the boy mayors were really depressed and didn’t want to be there, you know? Outside of their natural habitats.”

Despite those concerns, Spitzonkids says the Alpacas will press on with their efforts. 

“Of everything going on right now, turning the City Hall into a zoo might seem like a bad idea, but in the long run it’ll be worth it, especially for parents,” Spitzonkids said. “This town really needs something for Alpaca parents to do with their little ones.”

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire