Satire

Crochet Baby Dolls Totally Come to Life at Night, Haunt Local Man

ONALASKA, WIS — As crocheting continues to grow as one of the most popular hobbies amongst Americans during the pandemic, crocheters are looking for new, creative ways to express themselves through their newly formed skill. Unfortunately for one Onalaska man, his wife’s failed attempt at creativity has stumbled into nightmare fuel territory as she has covered their house in creepy crochet babies that obviously come to life at night. 

Before his wife took up crocheting the haunting little creatures, Jaunty Waxon never had problems sleeping. Now, he spends most of his time curled up in a corned clutching a kitchen knife.

“I’ve always gotten eight hours (of sleep), until my wife started making those… things!” an exhausted Waxon explained with visibly darkened rings under his eyes as he pounded his seventh cup of black coffee that morning. “Now, I’d be lucky to get two restless hours. They’re evil!”

Waxon chronicled his evenings of misadventures with experiences of waking up to the crocheted babies sitting on a stool at the end of his bed, casting an ominous moon-shadow from outside his bedroom window, and seeing them scamper past his bedroom door in the dark to the echoed sounds of a child laughing. 

“Why are the eyes all black? WHY ARE THE EYES ALL BLACK?!?” Waxon shouted before breaking down into tears again. “I’ve tried to destroy them every way imaginable including throwing them in the fireplace and shoving them down the garbage disposal, but they always return. My wife just crochets two more in its place.”

Waxon also shared a story about how he once pulled a loose string from one of the dolls that seemingly had no end and kept coming and coming for hundreds of feet before the string started dripping blood as he pulled to the sounds of the screams of the damned.  

Waxon theorizes that the dolls were made from wool yarn that came from sheep raised on an ancient native burial ground of some sort. Regardless of the origins of the yarn, it is Waxon’s wife’s work that truly brings them to life, or whatever form of existence you might call the dolls. 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire