Satire

Mild Chance of More Primary Voters Than Primary Candidates, Election Forecasters Say

LA CROSSE, WIS — For Tuesday’s primary election that will winnow down La Crosse’s 10 mayoral candidates to just two, election forecasters have announced that there is a mild chance the number of voters will exceed the number of candidates.

“This is very exciting,” political science professor Bertrand Senteryst said. “We have the potential for the numbers in this primary election to reach 11, maybe even 12 whole voters! That’s unprecedented for a February primary during a polar vortex. With the sheer amount of candidates for mayor, we thought for sure that they would make up at least 100% of the electorate themselves.”

Typically with a field this size, Senteryst says most primaries would end up in a 10-way tie, triggering the tie breaker scenario.

“Sometimes you get lucky and someone accidentally doesn’t vote for themselves,” Senteryst added, “but most of the time it heads to a tie-breaker where each candidate is asked to eat an entire Unk’s Mess from Marge’s On Rose and the last two to blow out their sphincter get to move onto the general.”

The most recent was a primary in the early 2000’s that led to a 7-way tie and triggered the Unk’s Mess clause. At least three of the original candidates survived.

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

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