Satire

Martin Gaul Shows Range of Emotions After Close 3rd Place Mayoral Primary Finish

LA CROSSE, WIS — With final results from Tuesday’s Primary crowded race for La Crosse Mayor tallied, Vicki Markussen (1,560 total votes and 24% of the overall vote) and Mitch Reynolds (1,345 total votes and 20%) are the two candidates voters chose to advance to the April 6 general election. Although seven of the other candidates were at least 400+ votes away from qualifying, one candidate, Martin Gaul, was less than 200 votes shy of Reynolds.

After confirming he lost, Gaul’s campaign manager said he went on an “emotional tirade like he has never seen” that included cycling through all of the stages of grief while including other complex human emotions.  

“(Gaul) was inconsolable,” Gaul’s campaign manager Aloof Unflappable, “I have never seen him so emotional.” 

Gaul, who is best known for his stoic, badass stare, appears to be a bit of an emotional enigma as many of this campaign photos feature the candidate emotionlessly staring off into the distance likely thinking about how tough he looked. 

Those close to Gaul see a different side of the former candidate and are able to track his emotions by even the most subtle change in his face. 

Unflappable explained how Gaul was initially saddened to hear the news – shown by the misplacement of a single mustache hair. This quickly transformed into angry and disappointed as Gaul was seen to have blinked once. This was shortly followed by feeling miserable with a slight head turn, to being relieved the election was finally over with a gentle glasses adjustment.

“All of which are normal emotions to exhibit after losing such a close race,” Unflappable continued, “But then it just got weird.”

Unflappable then described Gauls sudden, unexpected transformation to horny, exhibited by a slight eyebrow raise.

“I’ve just never seen that side of Martin before,” Unflappable explained, “I imagine there was just so much tension built up leading into the election, he just needed to release it.”

Gaul – after coming down from the emotional roller coaster – reportedly then exited the campaign headquarters to go have and win a staring contest with the sunset.

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire