Satire

“Texans Can’t Handle Winter,” Says La Crosse Man Whose Home Will Be Destroyed by Flood Next Year

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LA CROSSE, WIS – The state of Texas remains in recovery from a winter weather emergency, with water shortages and rolling blackouts putting millions of Texans in harm’s way across the state. This has led to many Coulee residents creating a winter storm of their own: a storm of smug facebook posts about the situation, often negatively comparing it to Wisconsin’s preparedness for winter emergencies. 

While these detractors come from a diverse range of backgrounds, they all have one thing in common: climate change will absolutely destroy their homes in the next few years.

“These Texans,” said La Crosse resident Juggson Bomblert, “they just can’t handle winter like we do here in the midwest.” 

Bomblert’s home will be devastated next year, after a winter of freakishly high snowfall causes record flooding. Due to not being on an officially designated floodplain, he does not have flood insurance for his house and he will be completely ruined by this disaster.

“They should have planned better,” offered local businesswoman Kathy Ropnilder, referring to the fact that many of Texas’s water mains aren’t buried as deeply as they are in Wisconsin, thereby making them more vulnerable to extreme colds that had never been experienced in recorded history in the southern state. Kathy’s home on Bliss Road will be completely destroyed by a mudslide in 2023.

While some in the area have rushed to organize assistance for the beleaguered lone star state, others have expressed skepticism. 

“You can’t trust these so-called ‘charities’,” said Randthony Hugboy. “How much are they taking off the top to line their pockets? Too damn much I bet!” 

In late August of 2026, Hugboy’s home will be destroyed by an F4 tornado, and he will sink his entire life savings in payments to a shady “Storm Repair” company who will eventually disconnect their phone number.

Reporter Lincoln Freimund contributed to this article. Record high heat combined with faulty wiring in his Air Conditioner will lead to his death in a house fire this summer.

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