Satire

Local Businessman Hoping You Won’t Notice Face Tattoo

Explore Minnesota

LA CROSSE, WIS — Local businessman James Finemann, owner of James E. Finemann Real Estate and Appraisals in downtown La Crosse, is growing increasingly worried his face tattoo is negatively impacting customer relations and ultimately his business. 

“Personally, I think it’s pretty inconspicuous. I hardly notice it’s there anymore,” said Finemann of his colorful tattoo. “But after seven ‘holy shit!’ reactions this week plus numerous people looking away for non-COVID reasons, I’m starting to question it.”

By all accounts, Finemann is an excellent real estate agent with an impeccable track record. He knows the markets, has a friendly demeanor, and goes out of his way to provide expert advice and service. His cozy downtown office is inviting, accessible, and well-situated to address real estate needs across the region. 

In addition, a glimpse at his online reviews reveal mostly positive experiences:

“Handled our closing quickly, responded to texts and calls promptly. Would recommend!”

“Yoooooo, that face tat tho!”

“He saved us over two grand! I so appreciate James. Also seems like he might be in a biker gang.” 

“I didn’t know Post Malone got into real estate.”

“Face. Tat. I kept hearing about escrow, mortgage rates, and addendums, but I don’t remember a damn thing because of that ink. It’s a wow.”

“Pretty sure he blares Dropkick Murphys while drafting contracts. Good agent, though.”

For now, Finemann plans to simply downplay his face tattoo with formal suits and ties, high collared shirts, glasses, and the occasional gentlemanly cap, all of which he believes will help balance his image. Finemann is also considering additional strategies, including growing a beard and holding papers up abnormally high to obscure clients’ views. 

“Listen, I’m not against tattoos, and people should not be judged for having them,” said Finemann. “It’s just that they may sometimes have a connotation. In the end, I want to convey an aura of trustworthiness and stability, and I think the barbed wire-wrapped katana blades dripping blood depicted along my neck assist in that.” 

Reporter Greg Lovell contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire