Satire

Bill Feehan’s Red Polo Sweater Comes Forward as Whistleblower in Fraud Allegations

LA CROSSE, WIS — Bill Feehan, chair of the La Crosse County Republican Party, is among 10 people facing several allegations including accusations of fraud, though he’s called those claims “simply wrong”.

Feehan’s red polo sweater has come forward as the informant who tipped off federal investigators of Feehan’s potentially illegal actions. 

For nearly four months, the red polo sweater has been anonymously meeting with federal investigators under the codename “Deepstate Throat” in the Market Square parking ramp. During these meetings, the red polo sweater shared confidential files of Feehan’s activities. Now that enough evidence has been gathered, the red polo sweater is coming forward to clear its name of association with Feehan. 

“The lies. The deception. The drive thru fast food grease that he would wipe on me,” explained the red sweater, “I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

The red polo sweater that Feehan has worn in nearly every single picture he has ever taken will testify as a witness to him allegedly impersonating the state’s presidential electors and aiding in the creation of fraudulent documents mailed to members of Congress. The documents intended for the state’s electoral votes to be counted for Donald Trump.

Despite the accusations being made, the red polo sweater is disappointed that it had to be the one to blow the whistle since there were likely several other people who were aware of Feehan’s actions who did not attempt to stop him. 

“I’m proud to serve my country and do what is right, but I don’t think the filth will ever wash out,” the red polo sweater continued, “I don’t just mean witnessing the disgusting behavior of corrupt people in leadership positions, I mean the stretching and sweat stains. I mean, this guy smelled like somebody put a dead fish and dirty sock into a blender and then let it sit in the hot sun.”

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire