DALLAS, TX — In a rare move, the Texas state legislature will mandate new regulations for its privately owned power grid, requiring every natural gas power plant to have an arsenal of guns to protect itself from future natural disaster.
“Texans need assurance that the bad, bad weather won’t hurt them again,” Governor Greg Abbott said. “Well, imagine what would have happened if we outfitted the good power plants with guns? That’ll make the cold weather think twice about messing with our grid again. Checkmate, climate change.”
Under the bill’s new regulations, each power plant must be equipped with at least 60 handguns and/or semi-automatic rifles and/or hand grenades. Plants will also be offered tax credits through the legislation if they use revelovers, a cowboy hat, and drape a large gaucho over the structure.
“We figured that the most intimidating we could be with our power grid is to make it look like Clint Eastwood,” Gov. Abbott added. “Make my day, Winter! Pew! Pew!”
Incorrect movie references aside, the Governor says power plants are allowed to use Texans’ extra stockpile of guns – an inventory estimated to be in the low billions – to outfit themselves well enough to be up to the new code.
“This won’t cost power plants a cent,” Gov. Abbott said. “If Texas is committed to anything, it’s our energy grid not having to spend any money on fixes.”
Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.