Satire

Johnson Also Insisting COVID Relief Bill Be Read by the Grandpa from The Princess Bride

WASHINGTON, DC — Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson made national news after forcing the 600-plus page COVID relief bill to be read in its entirety in the US Senate chambers, delaying an inevitable vote on the measure in the democratic-controlled house of congress. New detailed reports Friday indicated Senator Johnson also insisted that the bill be read by the grandpa from The Princess Bride.

“The senator – as you know – is very dismissive of the 1.9 trillion dollar COVID relief package that the majority of voters in America want,” a spokesperson from Johnson’s office said. “This way, by having Peter Falk explain it all to him with great detail and charm, he may come around in the end.”

There is one potential snag in Senator Johnson’s demand. The actor portraying the grandfather, Peter Falk, passed in 2011, making his participation in the relief bill bedtime story reading unlikely.

“We know it may be a difficult task, as reports have indicated that this actor is not alive,” the spokesperson continued, “However, the senator maintains his belief that Peter Falk’s death was a hoax perpetrated by Antifa, and will continue to pursue this course of action on the COVID relief bill.”

Johnson is invoking an obscure Senate rule – of which there is an infinite and never ending supply – that allows him to force a reading of an entire bill in the US Senate chambers by an actor from a 1980’s classic before a vote can take place. The senator, in invoking this rule, is entitled to a full reading by said actor, while he’s curled up in bed surrounded by his favorite sports memorabilia.

Johnson’s office added that the senator will of course also be insisting that the reading “skips the kissing parts”.

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire