Potato-Shaped Men Struggle to Find New Masculine Potato Icon

PAWTUCKET, RI — Hasbro, the multinational toy conglomerate, announced that it would drop the “Mr.” from the brand’s name in order to be more inclusive and so all could feel “welcome in the Potato Head world.” Though LGBTQ advocacy groups have applauded the more inclusive Potato playset, potato-shaped men all over the country are struggling to find a new masculine potato icon to idolize. 

Some local potato-shaped people have outwardly expressed their manufactured outrage with the changes to the iconic root vegetable toy.

“No! Just no!” shouted Devin Hissyfit, an angry potato-shaped man from Cashton. “Mr. Potato Head is a symbol of potato-shaped male virility and strength. If you take him away, what do the rest of us potato-shaped men have?” 

Hasbro has assured people that Mr. Potato Head is part of the Potato Head Universe as the classic pieces are part of the set, but the removal of the title allows children to see themselves in how they wish to create the toy, a position Hissyfit vehemently disagrees with. 

“Mr. Potato Head has a dick! Ok? A HUGE dick! Several of them with different colors, shapes, and stages of erection. But all of them are large. Very large.”

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.