Satire

New Brewery Investors to Continue Tradition of Making Downtown Smell Like Wet Butthole

Explore Minnesota

LA CROSSE, WIS — The La Crosse based City Brewing company announced Tuesday a $630 million sale to a group of investors who plan to expand the company and bring about several changes in operation. One City Brewery tradition the investors plan to keep in place is making the entire downtown La Crosse area smell like a wet butthole once a week. 

“Can you have the Kentucky Derby without the big hats? Fenway Park without the Green Monster? Catholic churches without the crippling guilt? No. You cannot,” explained brewery investor Toto Skunky. “It just simply wouldn’t be City Brewing without the enveloping blanket of wet butthole smell.”

Since 1858, The City Brewery has slowly perfected this 10 square mile cocoon of watery stank odor. 

The wet butthole smell is liberally released by the Brewery weekly in the downtown area when the brewery is in the process of mashing grains and boiling wort. The sheer amount of product produced from the 169 year old brewery directly correlates to the smell byproduct, which is not unlike a wet fart from a person of the same age.

“It’s really a grain and opossum tea smell,” Skunky continued, “which is indecipherable from wet butthole. We are proud to keep that smell in La Crosse for years to come.” 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

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