Satire

Officers Show Tremendous Restraint in Not Tasing, Shooting and Deep Frying Emu Resisting Arrest

WEST SALEM — An arrest caught on video has some community members singing praise of law enforcement officers for their restraint in a high stress scenario.

The video, captured just outside of a dental office, shows an officer chasing down and tackling a 6-foot, 85 pound feathered fugitive from justice, all without drawing a service weapon or even busting out the peanut oil, egg wash and panko bread crumbs.

“I couldn’t believe what I saw!” said Dr Toothie Yankenpull, DDS, “[The officer] didn’t even unload his entire clip right away or discharge a taser, or call for SWAT team back up with tanks and tear gas launchers! First time I’ve ever seen that. Kudos, officer!”

Officer Ken Beakwrangle described what was going through his mind as he chased down the escaped criminal mastermind.

“At first I was like, ‘Oh my god, it has a gun!’ but then – through on-the-spot deductive reasoning that we have recently trained for – I thought, hang on… this is a flightless bird, probably no more than 14 months old… there’s no way it was old enough to purchase a handgun from a responsible seller,” the officer said. “Then my second thought was to immediately draw my service Cuisinart 3.4 quart electric deep fryer, but then something stopped me… I realized that this was a good opportunity to show that an arrest can be made here without major incident, and I think we were able to do that successfully, though I am still very hungry.”

The emu is now in custody facing charges of felony bail jumping, resisting arrest, and insurance fraud.

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire