Employers: We’re Willing to Pay a Generous “Less Than it Costs to Live”, So What’s the Holdup?

LA CROSSE, WIS — Vaccines are here, some people are getting them, and we are hiring again. Hello? I said WE ARE HIRING AGAIN! God, it’s like none of you can hear us… Do you realize what we are saying? There are jobs! Lots and lots of jobs! Why isn’t that all the information you need to come in, apply, go through a rigorous interview process and do our bidding for 40 hours a week? We offer a generous compensation package that is more than enough to live on in the year 2002, so pardon my french, but what the fuck are you all waiting for?

Is it benefits? Well we have benefits! Come on! That can’t be what’s holding you up… We offer great benefits! Our health plan covers you most times you drive past and look at the hospital for just a 5600 dollar deductible. I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a pretty sweet deal if you don’t think about it at all. That’s all we’re asking! Don’t think about it! Just come work at our mostly public-facing job! We’ve got all of the precautions in place, including but not limited to a small plexiglass shield that customers push aside while they are taking their masks down to spray-speak at you so you can hear them better. You can feel safe here, honestly!

Okay, we get it… so maybe, just maybe, a couple people who toughed it out in this industry died over the past year, but you can’t let that stop you! We know there is always a little bit of a risk, but are you really willing to let that ruin your God-given right to help us serve our product to some of the rudest people on earth? Come on, be reasonable.

You know what I think? It isn’t the less than livable wages we offer. It isn’t the lack of meaningful benefits. It isn’t any blatant disregard for employee satisfaction. Nooooooo… People just don’t want to work! That’s all this is. No introspection needed on our part. This is your fault! You just want to sit at home, sucking off the government’s wrinkly old tit like a bunch of commie socialist freeloaders! Well I hope you’re happy! We’re really struggling right now! I had to miss a payment on my second boat! There’s a chlorine shortage because no one wants to work, how am I supposed to maintain the $12,000 dollar pool I was able to install last year? Did you ever think of that? No. All you ever think about is yourselves. God…

Seriously though, why doesn’t anyone wanna work for us? HELP. FUCKING. WANTED. Maybe we’re just not using the right font on the sign…

Categories: Satire