Satire

CDC Says Fully Vaccinated Can Now Wear Socks With Flip Flops in Public

WASHINGTON, DC — The CDC released new guidelines Wednesday saying that if one has been fully vaccinated against COVID-19, they are now allowed to wear socks with flip flops in public if they want to.

“This type of behavior is typically not allowed,” CDC spokesperson Hannah Buttsinheimer said, “but after careful analysis of the data, we’ve found that for fully vaccinated people, there is a significantly lower risk of judgement while wearing socks with sandals.”

This is of course only a guidance, and many businesses and retailers are still choosing to leave their socks and sandal judgement policies in place.

“We’ve heard the CDC’s new recommendations, and it is good news for all of us,” a spokesperson for Rogan’s Shoes said. “However, out of an abundance of caution, we will still keep in place our judgey eyebrow raises, not-so-subtle head-pointing, and private snickering laughter to be sure this fashion faux pas does not continue to spread.”

We spoke to residents about the new guidance, many of whom like La Crosse resident Gerrald Stankpinky are very excited following the news.

“This is great!” Stankpinky exclaimed, itching the space between his big and second toes which had been rubbed raw by the leather thong of his extremely overused flip-flop. “I got my second shot of Moderna three weeks ago, but I didn’t know whether it was safe to go out wearing bright pink socks with my favorite yellow sandals. With the new guidance, now I know that it’s safe to go out in public looking like I wandered in straight out of a psychedelic mental hospital. I hope they do robes next!”

The CDC has also issued lesser guidances for the fully vaccinated, including allowing them to do non-stop Borat impressions, use the phrase “That’s dope, muh dude!”, and go into the McDonalds Play Place without socks.

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.

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