ONALASKA, WIS — A resolution recently passed by the United Nations has declared a local gas station’s parking lot as a disaster area and will seek to send aid as soon as possible.
The gas station – a Kwik Trip located on Highway 16 in Onalaska – is locked in a years-long conflict between several factions of drivers, each at odds over controlling power in the region.
“You have the Gas Clan – that’s the original settlers of the area, those just looking to go there, get gas, and leave,” gas station historian James Longfrock said, “But then the Car Wash Clan began to jockey for their own space on the limited and very oddly-shaped landmass. When the Noodles and Company/Chipotle Lunch Clan, or NCCLC, started moving in, that’s when things became rather serious.”
Refugees from the region have brought back horror stories from their experiences, spurring activists to bring this nightmarish hellscape to the attention of the UN Human Rights Council.
“It was just… just… everywhere you turn, CAR,” survivor Gary Veldhoven said. “To the left? CAR. To the right? CAR. Behind you? Oh wait! That’s clear! YES! I could probably start backing ou- NOPE! CAR.”
Mental health experts estimate that nearly 93% of survivors come back with post traumatic stress disorder, specifically related to what they called “just trying to get the fuck out of this fucking parking lot in under 20 fucking minutes, why is that so fucking hard at 10:15 am, I mean doesn’t anybody work? GAWD”.
“This is one of the most serious disasters we’ve seen in our time,” Charter Spektruhm, UN delegate from Zimbabwe, said. “These people are just trying to get fuel and maybe a quick snack, but what they receive instead is travesty. We must act.”
The UN will begin a mission in the coming days to air drop supplies rather than travel by road because they do not want to get stranded there.
Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.