man in pink dress shirtSatire

“I Need To Be Able To Kick These Lazy Renters Out!” Says Man Whose Entire Living is Passive Income

LA CROSSE, WIS — Landlords are already pushing back on a Biden administration plan to extend the eviction moratorium to October 3rd in areas experiencing high transmission of the delta variant.

La Crosse area landlord and meat trimmings garbage receptacle wished to life in a Stephen King short story, Landon Biggs, is one of those pushing back, saying that renters are too lazy to bother paying what constitutes an entire living made up of passive income.

“These people are just taking advantage of us poor, poor property managers!” Biggs shouted, from the second story patio of his $1.3M home in the Emerald Valley. “And the government is helping them do it! Well what about me!? It’s almost like nobody cares whether […] I’m able to collect $1300 a month from two bakers’ dozen people under penalty of being thrown on the streets without having to leave my house!”

Biggs, who stopped in the middle of the previous sentence for a full ten minutes to catch his breath, insists that his renters have had the money he is owed, but that they instead spent it on frivolous things like food and childcare.

“All this country is doing is creating an entire generation of people who expect to get everything they want, with no effort!” Biggs yelled, shortly after fielding a phone call during which he argued that he didn’t need to replace a broken refrigerator because “at least the bottom corner still closes, right?”

With other landlords and property managers currently fighting a legal battle over the eviction moratorium, it’s unclear whether Biggs will be able to significantly contribute to the homeless population, nor is it clear whether the income stream he often forgets about while he spends the day posting unsolicited opinions of Simone Biles online will continue uninterrupted. 

Biggs owns five properties, two of which he’s seen in person. 

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire