Satire

Visiting Texan Sues Blue Baby-Defacing Vandal for $10,000

LA CROSSE, WIS — A Texas man visiting family in La Crosse is now suing a vandal accused of helping deface a baby statue.

Sunday, La Crosse’s notorious “Hatched Baby” statue had its head removed by vandals, damaging it so much, eyewitnesses described it as “almost normal looking now”. 

Once 46 year old Texan Rudy “Tootie” Shoody saw the news on his steam-powered iPhone, he immediately jumped on his horse to ride to the nearest lawyerin’ hole and begin the process of attempting to collect the bounty he was owed.

“Well I don’t rightly know how y’all do ‘er up here in the Great White North,” Tootie said, putting an uncomfortable emphasis on the word ‘white’, “But down in Texas, we don’t take kindly to people who don’t take kindly to babies.”

Rudy “Tootie” Shoody – who traveled all the way from El Gringo, Texas to La Crosse, Wisconsin to visit members of his immediate family, uninvited – is hoping to use a new Texas law that allows its citizens to sue anyone they believe has helped a woman get an abortion after 6 weeks of pregnancy – before most women even know they are pregnant in the first place.

“I’ll have to double confirm with my lawyer, our lord and savior Jesus Christ, on the specifics,” Tootie said, shortly after lasso-ing and hog-tying our reporter after we declined to interview him, “But I’m pretty sure the law that Sheriff-Governor Greg “Pew Pew” Abbott signed says I can sue anyone I want because we’re all his deputies now.”

Despite Tootie’s confidence, legal experts say that his, along with the entire state of Texas and most of the US Supreme Court’s grasp on the law is highly, highly suspect. 

Law enforcement is still on the look for the vandal or vandals in question. Police wouldn’t comment on the legality of Rudy “Tootie” Shoody’s pending lawsuit, other than to say “whatever takes the attention off the fact that this happened literally right outside our window…”

Reporters Lincoln Freimund and Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire