Large School Collider

La Crosse school district scientists excitedly unveil ‘Large School Collider’ as consolidation backup plan

LA CROSSE, WIS — The School District of La Crosse’s advanced sciences program unveiled their option for consolidating high schools at a press conference Thursday.

Scientists presented the new option — dubbed the “Large School Collider” — as a viable alternative to a $194.7 million capital referendum seeking to build a new consolidated high school at the former Trane Technologies site.

“It’s simple,” school district lead scientist Gilly Rastberg said. “We accelerate both schools to approximately 1/10th the speed of light and then, uhh… ‘consolidate’ them.”

There is a small chance that colliding the schools could create a catastrophic rip in space-time — causing all light and lifeforms to be instantly sucked into a black hole that smells like a sweaty gym and hormones — but that’s a risk scientists are prepared to take.

“Look, it’s either this, or you pay like $200 million for a new school that’s somehow a full half hour away from everyone no matter where you live,” Rastberg added. “Pretty clear choice, I think.”