Petition for changes to La Crosse Oktoberfest

LA CROSSE, WIS — 2022’s Oktoberfest celebrations are in the books, but for some, La Crosse’s most famous festival could use some change.

A new petition launched in early October seeks to convince the powers that be at La Crosse Oktoberfest to make a few changes to the festival starting in 2023.

Here is a list of changes the petitioners are requesting:

  • More cash pay options
  • Put the alumni band at the back of the parade
  • Minimum 5,437 Maple Leaf Parade entries
  • Maple Leaf Parade is a full weekend long
  • Allow people to save spot along parade route up to 364 days in advance
  • Parade spots are allowed (and encouraged) to be taken by brute force
  • Full parade should be followed by shorter, rebuttal parade
  • All German sayings/drinking songs must be said/sung in American, ‘cuz this is America
  • The winner of the medallion hunt gets to hunt the previous year’s winner
  • More food vendors
  • Consolidate Oktoberfest with Riverfest and Irishfest and also Rotary Lights into one single-afternoon festival (suggestion specifically requested by La Crosse Schools Superintendent Dr. Aaron Engel)
  • Fest grounds should include highland games-style “Flip A Car” competition
  • No more tickets to get into fest grounds. Entries should only be allowed by fighting a live bear. If you win, you get in. If you lose, you get to be next year’s Golden Brat
  • Mayor must take a cheeky “Hey look, the Golden Brat is my dick hahaha lol” picture, regardless of gender
  • All college students should be convinced that the festival is taking place in Iowa (this is non-negotiable)
  • More carnival rides
  • The UWL Screaming Eagles Marching Band should have all 150+ members of the band play the snare drum
  • The festival cannot be officially concluded until someone successfully smashes the Golden Keg on their forehead

The petitioners say their goal is to get at least 100 signatures. As of Tuesday, they have a total of -3.