Petition for changes to La Crosse Oktoberfest

LA CROSSE, WIS — 2022’s Oktoberfest celebrations are in the books, but for some, La Crosse’s most famous festival could use some change.

A new petition launched in early October seeks to convince the powers that be at La Crosse Oktoberfest to make a few changes to the festival starting in 2023.

Here is a list of changes the petitioners are requesting:

More cash pay options
Put the alumni band at the back of the parade
Minimum 5,437 Maple Leaf Parade entries
Maple Leaf Parade is a full weekend long
Allow people to save spot along parade route up to 364 days in advance
Parade spots are allowed (and encouraged) to be taken by brute force
Full parade should be followed by shorter, rebuttal parade
All German sayings/drinking songs must be said/sung in American, ‘cuz this is America
The winner of the medallion hunt gets to hunt the previous year’s winner
More food vendors
Consolidate Oktoberfest with Riverfest and Irishfest and also Rotary Lights into one single-afternoon festival (suggestion specifically requested by La Crosse Schools Superintendent Dr. Aaron Engel)
Fest grounds should include highland games-style “Flip A Car” competition
No more tickets to get into fest grounds. Entries should only be allowed by fighting a live bear. If you win, you get in. If you lose, you get to be next year’s Golden Brat
Mayor must take a cheeky “Hey look, the Golden Brat is my dick hahaha lol” picture, regardless of gender
All college students should be convinced that the festival is taking place in Iowa (this is non-negotiable)
More carnival rides
The UWL Screaming Eagles Marching Band should have all 150+ members of the band play the snare drum
The festival cannot be officially concluded until someone successfully smashes the Golden Keg on their forehead