LA CROSSE, WIS — Despite repeated attempts by local universities and media outlets, a debate between Wisconsin’s 3rd Congressional District candidates will not be taking place before the election on November 8.

However, a reporter for The La Crosse Times did see two squirrels fight over a nut in Myrick Park Sunday afternoon and that was basically the same thing, so we’ll take it:

The first candidate, dubbed “Brad Pfuzz”, was dropped off at the debate venue by a much more competent-looking squirrel, who ran away. The second squirrel, dubbed, uhhhh… “Derrick”, rode in on a motorcycle, late, because he was busy yelling at a different squirrel who works at the library for displaying an acorn with a rainbow sticker on it.

When the debate began, the feeling upfront was clear that neither really deserved to be there. Both candidates were all over the place, almost as if they were chasing each other the whole time. Both were barely able to squeak out any actual policy stances and instead preferred to go on the attack, hoping to discredit each other in their bid for the nut.

The debate lasted six minutes, in which the candidates quite frankly looked very unqualified to hold federal office. Mainly because they were squirrels, but also because one of them brought up his military service record 49 times, which onlookers described as “oddly irrelevant” or “I didn’t know squirrels could be Navy Seals”.

The debate ended abruptly when an inquisitive black squirrel entered and neither one had any clue how to handle that.