DHS recommends La Crosse area receive ‘Ventipox’ vaccine to prevent spread of new Starbucks locations

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LA CROSSE, WIS — A new recommendation Sunday from the Department of Health and Human Services advises the whole La Crosse area to be immunized from the spread of new Starbucks locations.

DHS first sounded the alarm when approximately 52 new Starbucks appeared along a short stretch of Highway 16 in what seemed like the span of the past two weeks.

“The spread of new Starbucks in La Crosse — especially in the Valley View Mall area — is concerning,” said DHS spokesperson Molly Slowdripper. “This particular brand spreads quickly, we strongly encourage the region at large to get the Ventipox vaccine as soon as possible.”

“Starbucks” is a brand of coffee shops that is characterized by extremely long lines and prices that experts say induce involuntary incredulous reactions like, “Fuckin’… what?” and “For coffee? Are you out of your goddamn mind??”

The first case occurred in Seattle, Washington in 1971. Since then, it has reproduced in such a way that the World Health Organization labeled it a “jittery pandemic”.

Starbucks can cause a variety of symptoms, including being late for work, being willing to work, unexplained loss of disposable income, unions, union busting, and annoying white people.

”In fall, the cases get really bad due to the PSL variant,” Slowdripper added. “We really cannot stress enough how important immunization is.”

The Ventipox vaccine is a 2-dose injection of killed baristas who couldn’t spell the most basic of names on a cup, in the arm of the nearest planning and development professional. Clinical trials showed an efficacy rate of “sometimes”.