LA CROSSE, WIS. — It’s time to descend into the recesses of your cellar to dig out those $300 skis you bought and used one time 15 years ago.

Thanks to early snow accumulation in the Coulee Region, skiing season is already upon us! In preparation for the ski season opening, Mount La Crosse has already fired up their Seasonal Employee-Making machine.

General Manager Chatterer Shatinpants says the freshly made seasonal employees will make a big difference.

“We typically like to have a good four or five employees standing around at the base of each hill at any given time,” Shatinpants explained. “That way, there is no shortage of customers being patronized and told to slow down, be careful, and have a good time.”

Shatinpants wishes the resort received enough naturally-occurring seasonal employees to get Mount La Crosse up and running, but with the seasonal employee drought, activation of the machine was a necessity.

“We had to turn the standards dial all the way down to create enough,” Shatinpants continued, “People will likely recognize that these employees are artificially made.”

The standards dial includes removing potential obstacles that slow the seasonal employee making process such as background checks and drug screenings.

Despite the changes, the seasonal employees are still required run the slopes with visitors and act as the hill’s ‘bomber’ by traveling at absurdly unsafe speeds. This, in turn, will encourage other significantly less-skilled skiers to follow suit and likely cause injury giving the seasonal employees something to do.

Shatinpants hopes the local ski resort will be open in the coming days with the machine running throughout the night over the coming days.

“Creating and evenly spreading seasonal employees over the resort is a time-consuming process,” Shatinpants said. “There is a large stack of resumes we have to pretend to go through before feeding them into the machine.”