World’s most boring guitar player loses pick

ONALASKA, WIS — The world’s most boring human who also happens to have — and may even play — a guitar seems to have lost his or her pick.

Authorities claim they located the pick Tuesday in the parking lot of an Applebees. The mildly used blue pick showcases a “US Bank” logo on the front, giving valuable insight on what kind of person it may belong to.

“Well, we know the person we’re looking for is white,” said Onalaska Police Officer Labes McKenzie. “From the looks of it, the pick is marketing material that set its target squarely on a mid-life crisis. You can really smell the [Jimmy] Buffet covers coming off of this.”

Anyone with information on the owner of said guitar pick is encouraged to contact police.

“Do not approach this person,” McKenzie added. “There is a significant risk that he or she will want to tell you about their ‘musical influences’ or — heaven forbid — yet another half-assed hobby. That could take hours of your life that you just won’t get back.”