Area bracing for winter’s first punch to the nuts

LA CROSSE, WIS – Area residents are preparing their snow blowers, rearranging holiday travel plans, and gathering their blankets as the entire Coulee Region has been placed under a Winter Storm Warning stretching from Wednesday through Saturday. 

Though temperatures have steadily fallen throughout December and snow has accumulated several inches, this week’s storm will likely be the first major one of the season.

“For all intents and purposes, this storm will be winter’s first punch directly to our collective testicles,” said Mark Gesswrong, meteorologist with the National Weather Service in La Crosse. “It’s shaping up to be a real sack-tapper that drives your voice up a couple octaves.” 

Gesswrong and his team say previous snow showers and occasional blustery evenings were “mere child’s play” and “a few light, frosty jabs to the midsection.” This week’s storm, however, is shaping up to deliver a furious, Mike Tyson-esque uppercut to our metaphorical balls.

“We’re talking like white-hot pain through the groin knifing deeply into the abdomen lasting for hours,” Gesswrong continued with his analogy. “That’s the kind of nut shot this storm is like.”

Experts suggest gathering emergency supplies, packing extra clothing, and trying to take it like a champ when a winter storm bashes one’s balls.

“Take deep breaths. Don’t let the storm know it got to you,” said Gesswrong. “Sure, you’re writhing in pain because your lower abdomen feels like it’s being stung by a million fire ants from inside and your figurative testis are shattered like glass on concrete, but you’ve got to pick yourself back up, ice your swollen metaphorical nutsack, and shovel your way out, figuratively speaking.”